9 ways to deliver a bad presentation January 31, 2008

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People seem to think that the main purpose of a presentation is to convey information, or even (I am ashamed to say) motivation. Nothing could be further from the truth. The main reason to give a presentation is to  enable the presenter (you) to goof-off real work so you can mess about with PowerPoint for a few days. Naturally, to make all this time-wasting worthwhile, it is essential that the presentation is designed to hide how little you actually know about the topic you are presenting. That is where these tips come in.

1. Avoid having a proper theme

This enables you to ramble on about anything that pops into your head.

2. Don’t show enthusiasm

Or any other emotion. With luck, your audience will fall asleep and miss most of what you have to say.

3. Don’t provide a framework

Avoid telling the audience what topics you will cover: that way you won’t be committed. Avoid summarising what you have covered: that way you don’t have to remember (and hopefully your audience will forget, too. We don’t want any of those nasty questions, do we?)

4. Use lots of large, meaningless numbers

Most people can’t imagine large numbers, so use them generously. Never make them intelligible. It is much better to say “we sold 21898 widgets this year”, and to leave it at that, than to add “that’s about 60 every day”.

Also, the more specific you are, the more knowledgeable you sound. Never, for example, say “30,000″. It is much better to say, “29,886″. Nobody will ever check, anyway.

5. Try for an unforgettable moment

But make sure this is nothing to do with the content of the presentation. If all else fails, a trouser-dropping incident always seems to work wonders on the memorability front.

6. Fill slides with dense, unreadable text

The more ideas you can fit on a slide, the better. Avoid images which give clues as to your topic. Your best bet is to google your subject and simply paste in any articles you find. This way you’ll never dry-up mid-presentation – you can just read off the slides.

7. Keep things bland

For the visuals, avoid the use of multimedia, stage guests, props, or anything else that might add interest. For the narrative, avoid changes in emotional tone. Keep pace, intonation and volume uniform. Indeed, volume should be kept uniformly low. To perfect this technique, practice a dull mumble to yourself whenever you are in company.

8. Make a big deal of little things

Expecially small technical glitches. The audience will love to see you struggle, and using this technique you put off the moment when you actually have to say anything almost indefinitely.

9. Avoid rehearsing

The only thing worth practicing is a look of abject nervousness. Again, the audience will enjoy watching you squirm, and you’ll have the perfect excuse for your lack of valuable content.

Finally, I’d like to express my appreciation to the author of the following article. It gives some great tips on how not to give a bad presentation. I urge you not to read it.

• Deliver a Presentation like Steve Jobs