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Money for nothing February 20, 2008
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*
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And the good new is
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So
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And then
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You have my personal guarantee
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So
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Now
Don’t wait a moment longer
Send me your cash today!
The long hard road to increased blog traffic February 12, 2008
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The exponential increase in the number of blogs means that the blogsphere is becoming crowded, almost claustrophobic. We’re all competing for the same readers, but some of us are elbowing our blogs to the front. Here are some tips on how to travel the long hard road to increased blog traffic. They’re bound to work!
Presentation
No matter how good your content, it won’t be read unless it is well presented. It stands to reason, then, that good presentation will fool people into reading your blog even when it has no worthwhile content. Here are some ideas on how to optimise your presentation.
Make it hard to read
This may not seem such a great idea, but the truth is that people value most that which is hardest to obtain. The information in your blog should be like gold and diamonds – it should be difficult to dig out.
Spell creatively (or kre8if’lee)
People won’t visit your blog unless it has something unique to offer. Let your spelling draw them in.
Punctuate effectively
Add excitement – use lots of exclamation marks!!! Wow!!!!
Employ the best language (consider writing in Klingon)
If yours is the only blog of its kind, then its bound to be the most popular blog of its kind. If you write in an obscure language, you’ll be aiming for a really specialist market. If yours is the only blog written in Klingon, you’ll capture the entire Klingon-blog reading population!
By the way, isn’t that the most wonderful thing about the Internet? No matter how obscure or nerdy your hobby, there’s bound to be someone else out there who shares your interests. You may be a sad little geek, but at least you’re no longer alone.
So go on – go write your blog and be weird in company. You know you want to!
Interactivity
The way that people interact with your blog is determined by the way you interact with people. So treat them mean, and keep them keen.
Avoid reading other blogs
You don’t want to be accused of stealing their ideas, do you? The best defence is to have no ideas, and the best way to avoid those ideas is to avoid reading other people’s blogs.
The exception, of course, is demotiv8. But nothing else. Period.
Don’t answer reader’s comments
Don’t even read comments. Better still, don’t allow them. You are writing your blog, so you don’t want to encourage people to clog it up with their own thoughts.
Don’t comment in other people’s blogs
Why should they get all your insight and great ideas? Save them for your own blog. Naturally, you are free to comment on other people’s blogs. Naturally, you think they’re rubbish (except, naturally, demotiv8, which is perfect in every way).
Visibility
Unless people can find your blog they won’t read it. So, submit yourself to a full search, and make sure you’re publicly exposed.
Search engines
Make sure there are links to your blog from the following search engines:
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Wikipedia – pick random articles and link them to your blog!
Create lots of blog
If there are lots of products in a shop that all cost the same, wouldn’t you pick the one that offers best value for money? Why not create lots and lots of really bad blogs, so that people naturally gravitate to your one good one?
Content
Leave out the meaningful content
Like a pleasant Sunday afternoon stroll to nowhere in particular can really revive the spirits, no? What better, then, than a long and meaningless ramble?
Talk about yourself
If your life was dull, you would live it differently, right? So it stands to reason that your life is very interesting. So tell the world about yourself, your hobbies and your cat. We can’t wait. Honestly.
Don’t post frequently
A mystery is exciting isn’t it? So, adding an aura of the unknown to your blog and you’ll really up the interest levels.
- Keep your readers guessing, obscure your meaning in jargon and hyperbole.
- Keep your readers in the dark by positing as infrequently as possible.
- Never reveal anything interesting in your posts.
To maximise the intrique, the very best thing is never to write a single post.
now, that would really impress us!
Buzzwords of Despair February 8, 2008
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The grand plan
Every manager wants motivated staff, right? Well, despite what the management books might say, it really isn’t difficult for managers to motivate their staff. Unfortunately for managers, there are two kinds of motivation – the motivation to do a good job, and the motivation to do a bad one. Unfortunately, only great managers are able to motivate for success. For the rest of us, the only kind of motivation we can achieve is the negative kind – the motivation to under-perform, to swing the lead, to make mistakes, to leave the company, and so on.
Thankfully, we less-than-great managers can use all this to our advantage. The secret is for us to go beyond simple de-motivation. Yes, indeed: we must aim for something far more soul-destroying. Indeed, we must make it our raison d’être to project an aura of doom, create a zeitgeist of hopelessness, instill a culture of despair. Our glorious quest is to grind our staff so far down, that they’ll never, ever get up again.
You see, once our workers are in the state of total despair, they will no longer have the stomach to do a bad job. Imagine that! They’ll simply lack the gumption to under-perform, have no energy to rebel, lack the creativity to come up with good excuses, and they will have so little self-belief left that the idea that someone else could employ them will never even enter their poor little heads!
Genius, or what?
So here is the crux of this article. I am sure that it will be useful for both managers and our staff.
Managers
To you I give the power to demotivate even the most enthusiastic of your workers, and all it takes are a few simple words. Here is a handly list of some of those vacuous phrases that you can use when they want to give the impression of motivating your staff, but which will inevitably lead to the elimination of all morale.
Workers
To you I give these same phrases. If you hear them often, you’ll know you’re already doomed, for you are already working for one of us. Your soul is already ours (ha ha!). But at least you can play a little buzzword-bingo in the meetings.
The buzzword list
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Think outside the box
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Just do it
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Failure is not an option
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Give 110%
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This is our our wake-up call!
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Just be creative!
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You’ve got to be in it to win it
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Anything that’s easy is not worth a damn
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I know it’s a paradigm shift, but…
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There is no “I” in teamwork
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You’ll really be pushing the envelope
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Think win-win!
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You’ve got to look at the bigger picture
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It’ll all come out in the wash
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You’ll just have to be proactive on this one
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Play to win
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It’s my neck that’s on the line, here
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You’re in the zone
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Play hardball with them
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You’ll just have to shift the goal posts
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Roll with the punches
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Go with the flow
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Stick at it
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I didn’t get where I am today…
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That’s just life, I’m afraid
Then there is the utterly banal:
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I have every confidence in you
And most dastardly of all:
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I’ll be behind you all the way
10 Ways to avoid any activity February 5, 2008
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There will always be jobs that nobody wants to do, and the purpose of this article is to ensure that you won’t have to do them. It lists a series of attitudes you’ll need to develop so that people will think twice before they ask you to do anything unpleasant or difficult. It also provides an idea of the kinds of excuses you can employ if the the worst comes to the worst and you are actually asked to act.
1. Wait until conditions are perfect
“The time isn’t right. I can’t do it until…”
2. Dwell on the negatives
“It will never work because…”
3. Over-analyse the situation
“Here are all the possible ways to achieve the goal, all the things that could happen if we go those ways, what we should do if we go off track, what we can do to mitigate the risks of going off track, how much each method will cost, the benefits and risks of each method…”
4. Always wait for permission
“No, it isn”t finished. I was waiting for you to give me the go-ahead on step 4096.”
5. Build your reputation as a non-doer.
“Someone else did it last time, so I don’t have the experience.”
6. Think of alternatives
“I really must get this done instead.”
7. Undervalue the rewards
“It isn’t really worth doing, is it? After all…”
8. Build up a fear of failure
“If we fail, things will be really bad. Really, really bad. So, perhaps we shouldn’t try.”
9. Insist that you will fail
“I tried it before, and look what happened!”
10. Just say no
“No.”
Nobody ever expects this one!
Choosing a religion: 6 questions to ask youself February 1, 2008
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Everyone needs to believe in something, but does it really matter what? Of course it does. But don’t for one moment think that you need look for a religion that is actually true. There are more important things than that! So, if you’re looking for something worth signing up to, you might try asking the following questions:
1. Does it make you feel good?
If the answer is no, why go there? All this talk about sin and judgement can really get to you. Why bother with all that when all you want is something all nice and pink and fluffy? If religion tells you you’re fine as you are – that you don’t need to change one little bit – then at least it will be easy to follow. Better still, a guarantee of fame and fortune would go down nicely, don’t you think?
2. Will it get you in with the in crowd?
It is so nice to be part of the group, to feel like you belong, especially when the group has status and a string sense of exclusivity. A fine place to meet with great facilities are essential.A sauna, a gym, free child care and quality recreational facilities are a must. And if you get membership of the golf club too…
3. Do they have political clout?
We all want to influence the world for the better, don’t we? And what could be better than a government that benefits people like you? So go for a religion that’s in with the powerful, and you’ll soon have a voice that is heard.
4. Are the meetings full of energy?
As the poet said:
A little hype is great to get a meeting going
A little raw emotion is good to keep it flowing
A tidy little pep-talk never went amis
If it keeps ‘em coming back for more
And it keeps us getting rich
5. Do they rely on rites and rituals?
It is nice to be seen to be doing well, but how will other people know that you are better than them if you haven’t got the merit badge to prove it? Of course, nobody wants to change their lifestyle too much, so performing a few little rituals seems like a great way to earn brownie-points. Rituals have such aura of mystique, and soon become quaint traditions, devoid of meaning but full of kudos.
6. Do you actually have to believe?
Does it really matter? Its not as if you’re meant to take it seriously is it? Especially all that stuff about G-O-D. The thing you’d ever want to do is ask Him his opinion on all of this…
…isn’t it?
You need underlings: 5 Reasons why February 1, 2008
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Every king has his pawns. Every tyrant has his minions. Every manager has his staff. So why shouldn’t you? Here are 5 reasons you should have some underlings:
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It will make you feel important when they do what they’re told.
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It will make you feel powerful when you fire them if they don’t.
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You can also fire them if they’re incompetent, or if they become a threat.
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When your underlings perform well, you can take all the credit.
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When you perform badly, you’ll have someone to take the blame.
So go on, get some underlings today. You know you need them!
9 ways to deliver a bad presentation January 31, 2008
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People seem to think that the main purpose of a presentation is to convey information, or even (I am ashamed to say) motivation. Nothing could be further from the truth. The main reason to give a presentation is to enable the presenter (you) to goof-off real work so you can mess about with PowerPoint for a few days. Naturally, to make all this time-wasting worthwhile, it is essential that the presentation is designed to hide how little you actually know about the topic you are presenting. That is where these tips come in.
1. Avoid having a proper theme
This enables you to ramble on about anything that pops into your head.
2. Don’t show enthusiasm
Or any other emotion. With luck, your audience will fall asleep and miss most of what you have to say.
3. Don’t provide a framework
Avoid telling the audience what topics you will cover: that way you won’t be committed. Avoid summarising what you have covered: that way you don’t have to remember (and hopefully your audience will forget, too. We don’t want any of those nasty questions, do we?)
4. Use lots of large, meaningless numbers
Most people can’t imagine large numbers, so use them generously. Never make them intelligible. It is much better to say “we sold 21898 widgets this year”, and to leave it at that, than to add “that’s about 60 every day”.
Also, the more specific you are, the more knowledgeable you sound. Never, for example, say “30,000″. It is much better to say, “29,886″. Nobody will ever check, anyway.
5. Try for an unforgettable moment
But make sure this is nothing to do with the content of the presentation. If all else fails, a trouser-dropping incident always seems to work wonders on the memorability front.
6. Fill slides with dense, unreadable text
The more ideas you can fit on a slide, the better. Avoid images which give clues as to your topic. Your best bet is to google your subject and simply paste in any articles you find. This way you’ll never dry-up mid-presentation – you can just read off the slides.
7. Keep things bland
For the visuals, avoid the use of multimedia, stage guests, props, or anything else that might add interest. For the narrative, avoid changes in emotional tone. Keep pace, intonation and volume uniform. Indeed, volume should be kept uniformly low. To perfect this technique, practice a dull mumble to yourself whenever you are in company.
8. Make a big deal of little things
Expecially small technical glitches. The audience will love to see you struggle, and using this technique you put off the moment when you actually have to say anything almost indefinitely.
9. Avoid rehearsing
The only thing worth practicing is a look of abject nervousness. Again, the audience will enjoy watching you squirm, and you’ll have the perfect excuse for your lack of valuable content.
Finally, I’d like to express my appreciation to the author of the following article. It gives some great tips on how not to give a bad presentation. I urge you not to read it.
GnTD: the flow January 29, 2008
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Some people are obsessed with getting things done, but we all know that work is over rated: we would rather just slob out and do nothing. One of the best ways to achieve this is to employ our Get noThing Done™ (GnTD) methodology. By employing this technique you can bring chaos to both your personal and work life, so ensuring nobody ever really expects you to do anything useful ever again. The essence of this methodology is to just “go with the Flow”. Here are the essential steps in the GnTD Flow:
Collect
Collect anything and everything. You never know what might be useful, so keep everything just in case. Examples include anything paper, useful tools, old packing materials, books, anything cheap in the sale, the latest gadgets, the latest fashions, etc.
The best place to keep things is where you’ll see them when you need them. Make use of all available surfaces as reminders of actions you might need to take. Cover desks with paperwork, fridges with post-it notes, floors with more paperwork, sideboards with old newspapers, tables with broken things that need mending etc. People often overlook potential storage spaces when tackling this exercise, but a certain amount of creative thinking may be useful. A simple pack of blu-tak will enable you to cover walls and even the ceiling with paperwork. A few hooks and the backs of your doors become ideal places for hanging old clothes and carrier bags of books.
Interestingly, we don’t advocate any particular collection method, so you too should strive to be non-methodical in your collection habits.
Procrastinate
There are lots of ways to deal with this phase, but I’ll provide detailed instructions another day. For now, consider the following tips:
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Find something at random amongst your collection, anything that piques your interest, particularly anything associated with a big, complicated project.
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Try to deal with several things at once.
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Give the impression of business by moving things around as often as possible.
If an item requires action:
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Make a detailed plan of how to do it.
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Ask someone else how they dealt with it, and make copious notes. Blog the notes and answer the feedback. Print it all out in case the blog-server fails.
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Add any plans or notes to the collection, to be dealt with later.
If an item does not require action:
- Put it back on the heap for later.
- Never, never, throw anything away (see Collect, above).
Actions that take less than two minutes are probably not worth doing anyway, so don’t let them bother you.
Better still, get involved with a thorough analysis of someone else’s collection. Perhaps they’ll have paperwork you can photocopy, or gadgets you need too? Other people’s jobs are always so much more interesting than your own, aren’t they?
Disorganize
There are so many different ways to organise your stuff. I strongly suggest that you pick one and apply it immediately. Then pick another one, and apply it simultaneously. Then another, and another. The more systems you have going on at once, the better organised you’ll be. And it is probably a lot more fun cataloging things than it is actually dealing with them. Don’t worry if you give up half way through organising your stuff – the next round of organising things will come around soon enough.
For example, books must be organised by all the following categories at the same time (you may need more than one copy of each book):
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size (because tall books don’t fit on the small bookshelves)
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thickness (because pamphlets easily get lost amongst thick books)
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colour (to look nice)
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genre
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alphabetically by title
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alphabetically by author
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into read / unread / partly read / recommended reads / currently reading
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by subject matter
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by interest level
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in different rooms (bathroom book / bedside book etc)
An essential tool is a simple calendar. People will often forgive you for missing appointments if you can honestly say you made a supreme effort to check your calendar, but you had written the appointment on the wrong day / double booked / forgot to put it in.
Review
The purpose of this phase is to try to remember where everything is so that you can find it when you need it (or loose it when you don’t). At the same time, read as much of your collected paperwork as often as possible, so that you’ll know what it says if you can’t find it when you need it. Ideally, you should write a summary (a review) of each item so that you have the information in at least two different places.
Avoid
This is the phase where you actually avoid taking actions on the stuff you’ve collected.
One of the best ways to do this is to go out to collect more things that you’re bound to need, or to replace the things that you can’t find amongst the things you’re ‘in the process of organising’.
Alternatively, you could just watch a bit of TV, couldn’t you?
7 ways to juggle your life January 29, 2008
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Everyone likes a juggler. They manage to keep more on the go than anyone else, and they seem to do so effortlessly. Although their acts are full of dynamism and pizazz, their faces look serene, their attention focused, and their actions controlled.
This article will help you develop your life as if it were a juggling act. It will inspire you to take on complications and handle them like this clown.
Of course, learning to juggle is not an overnight activity. It takes patience and dedication. Similarly, complications in your life are best built up little and often. Nevertheless, if you keep it up, you will eventually develop the kind of complicated life that really will make people wonder.
1. Keep everyone happy
Jugglers are crowd-pleasers. It is what gives them purpose, applause and helps them earn their keep. So, why not be a crowd-pleaser too? Make it your job to keep everyone around you entertained and happy. It really is the perfect way to win their approval, increase your income and gain a sense of self-worth.
2. Take on more commitments
Commitments get rid of boredom, they make other people happy, and they make sure you never have time to take stock. If you don’t have time to think about your life, you’ll never have to make time to fix it! So go on, kick-up another commitment (or accept one thrown from the audience) and add it to the mix today!
3. Avoid synergies!
Anything new you pick up should have as little in common with the things you’re already working on. Take three balls. Juggle. Add a chair, a hammer and a small cat! Entertaining, or what?
4. Speed up
If you can’t do it well, at least do it fast. Even if you drop an occasional clanger, at least you’ll have be able to pick up the mess in all that time that you’ll be saving!
5. Multi-task
Learn to incorporate distractions into your daily routines. They can all add challenges to life, and can be the opportunity for humor too. Ever mis-typed something because you’re listening to something else? Think of all the opportunities for comedy!
6. Develop your patter
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Create anticipation: start by promising something spectacular but impossible.
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Cover up for a drop: you need some ready-made excuses.
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Make them laugh: everyone loves a clown. You can be theirs!
7. Push your limits
Jugglers add fire, knives, or even chainsaws. Do the same with your life! You could start embezzling company funds, take on a second wife, or even own a puppy!
Push the limits and add a sense of fullness to your life!
Final thoughts
As we have seen, through careful management, your very life could become a juggling act: very entertainging to watch, full of frantic movement, but ultimately going nowhere.
Do you really want to beat the crowd? Then pick up a club today!
